No, Smartphones Aren’t Just Bad for Girls
The Digital Isolation of Boys
The bus crawled along my local high street. Outside, I noticed two young boys walking in judo outfits. One of the boy’s eyes were glued to a video game on his phone. Next to him, his friend was trying, and failing, to get his attention. As the bus passed, my stomach sank. I recognised the boy. He was my friend’s son.
This moment hit me hard.
It’s common for parents of boys to push back on the smartphone debate. The dominant narrative focuses on how social media fuels eating disorders, self-harm, and anxiety, problems that disproportionately affect girls. But what about boys?
The truth is, smartphones are radically reshaping boyhood, and in ways that are just as concerning.
Boys Need to Take Risks With Real Girls
When I was 11, a school disco was the most exciting thing that could happen on a weekend. It always started the same way: girls on one side, sipping cheap cola and giggling, and boys on the other, smirking and trying to look cool. Then, after enough songs from the DJ, one boy would finally work up the nerve to cross the chasm and ask a girl to dance. It took courage. Some would succeed; some would get laughed at and retreat. But over time, they learned. It was an awkward but essential part of growing up, of learning confidence, resilience, and, ultimately, how to find a mate. Because it is this biological drive to reproduce that has, historically, meant that boys will always try to charm girls.
What happens if this innate desire is manipulated so that boys never need to get out of their comfort zone and approach the opposite sex in the real world? With virtual reality in its infancy and already becoming indistinguishable from the real physical world, boys can watch porn in ways unthinkable to most parents. A film star crush manifests in front of their eyes for their every fantasy, available 24/7.
In this new world, boys are no longer crossing the dance floor. Why would they? Women in virtual reality, porn sites and now AI girlfriends don’t require effort, compromise or courage. But it is only real life intimate relationships that offer the depth of connection and growth that we need as humans.
Boys and the Rise of Digital Isolation
A friend recently went to dinner at a colleague’s house. She heard thunderous footsteps upstairs and asked what was going on.
“Oh, that’s just my son running to the bathroom,” her colleague laughed. “He doesn’t want to miss anything in his game.”
His food was taken up to his room on a tray. My friend was stunned.
But this is the norm for many teenage boys. As Jonathan Haidt describes in The Anxious Generation, socialising for boys has moved indoors, alone, into online gaming worlds. It’s beyond the scope of this essay to discuss gaming addiction in detail, but common sense tells us this: shouldn’t boys full of energy be outside, moving their bodies, doing things in the real world?
Instead, they are spending their days inside a bedroom, headset on, glued to a screen. This is not just speculation, we’re already seeing a shift.
A recent study found that the number of young men who report having no close friends has tripled in the last 30 years.
Sextortion: the fastest growing cyber-crime against children
Parents assume their own children would not fall victim to sextortion, (a cyber enabled crime during which victims are lured into sharing intimate images or performing sexual acts in front of a webcam). For boys who believe they are chatting with a pretty girl who is also sharing intimate pictures, you can see how vulnerable they are as this interactive game shows. The Times reported one gang is behind 23 suicides and they are still active on TikTok.
To compound these issues, many children and parents are unaware that it is an offence to make, distribute, possess or show any indecent images of anyone aged under 18, even if the content was created with the consent of that young person. Teens, and typically boys, can inadvertently find themselves on the sex offenders register with a criminal record.
The New Misogyny
When 45% of 16-24-year-old boys in the UK say Andrew Tate is a positive influence, we have a problem. A new trend of Trad-wives are emerging, pushing back against so many gains from the feminist movement. Porn has become more violent, more degrading with the normalisation of non-consensual sex. In the UK, more than one in three Britons aged 16-34 have been strangled during consensual sex. Incels (sexually embittered men), are turning so violent and angry that we are witnessing more incidents of incel terrorism.
Boys are being bombarded with misogynistic ideology on social media that is warping their view of women.
Smartphones and the Male Mental Health Crisis
We often talk about the crisis in girls’ mental health and rightly so. But boys are struggling too, and they are struggling in silence. Suicide remains the leading cause of death for young men under 45. Research also shows that excessive screen time is linked to increased rates of depression in boys.
When a boy spends his free time gaming instead of being physically active, interacting with peers in real life, or learning how to navigate relationships, what kind of man does he become?
What Can Parents Do?
Delay Smartphones – The longer you can delay, the better. Delay Smartphones is a movement helping parents push back against the pressure.
Encourage Real-World Socialisation – Get your boys outside. Sign them up for activities that involve real, face-to-face connection.
Model Healthy Tech Use – If you’re constantly on your phone, they will be too.
Have a Family Charging Station – No phones in bedrooms at night. Ever.
Talk About Pornography Regularly – Ignoring the problem won’t make it go away. Kids need guidance to navigate this new digital reality.
The Future of Boyhood
There is no going back to the pre-smartphone era. But there is a choice to be made about how we raise our boys. Do we let them sink further into digital isolation, or do we push them toward real-world experiences, real friendships, real intimate relationships and real courage?
Because if boys stop crossing the dance floor, what kind of future are we creating?
I don’t see the words “child sexual abuse” being used to describe boys this age interacting with modern internet porn. This problem festers because we will not name it. For fear of offending the abusers?
Love this thanks Hannah. Most people do not see how "porn" hits teen boys. It is harder than crack-cocaine. I have done both. A boy who sees internet porn for the first time gets a dopamine hit bigger then the biggest hit of crack possible, bigger, tied to his most profound feelings.He's 12. It is child sexual abuse most foul. Women understand "porn" as much as men understand getting your period. It is evil. Even the anti-porn activists dare not speak the truth. It is unholy. Modern Internet Porn shook the foundations of men's worlds. I remember, This is insane and no one addresses it. So many boys are demoralized and disillusioned. The message of porn is: women don't need a man. You are unworthy. Love is a joke. Women love the worst men. Paired with a bigger dopamine hit then heroin. I'm being serious. It is evil to do this to hundreds of millions of teen boys, and the poor women, mothers and girls in their orbit. If people knew what has happening inside their son when he discovers modern internet porn, you would take to the ramparts right now.